?

Log in

No account? Create an account

The Culture Channel

Bureau of Mutants, Superhumans, & Costumed Vigilantes


April 20th, 2004

Ring Night & Sandsfic @ 05:23 pm

Current Mood: accomplished accomplished
Current Music: Ludacris--"Roll Out"
Tags:

The extended weekend of sleep-deprivation and hectic weirdness known as Ring Night now completed, I am free to return to the internet.

Ring Night was lots of fun. I was placed into a group at the last minute, but they all turned out to be really nice and very enthusiastic (and I’ve learned that being willing to strip down to nothing but bikini briefs and paint yourself purple for the cause—“your senior sisters want you to crate a mural using non-toxic paint and your bodies”—goes a long way in establishing street cred). My demands weren’t too impossible to fulfil, and some of them were even fun. Plus, our skits (command performances before the Senior class) were the best of the lot. “Peter Pan: The Hiphopera” (the senior assigned us the topic) got a standing ovation, plus wolf-whistles and hollers when Tinkerbell performed her dance to “I’ve Got the Magic Stick.” Choreography pays off, as does having someone hot play Tinkerbell.

And now for the fic, accomplished in between English essays and Creative Writing assignments.



Agent Sands: The Owner’s Guide and Maintenance Manuel
(based on the brilliant LoTR “Owners Guides” by Theresa Green)

Congratulations!

You are now the proud owner of an AGENT SANDS! In order to insure that your new dual CIA operative/Gunslinger operates and continues to operate at its high quality premium performance levels, you will need to follow the procedures detailed in this manual.

Please note that the AGENT SANDS unit comes in two exciting models, and operating instructions may vary slightly depending on which model you have purchased. It is recommended that you check the label on the shipping crate to make certain that you have received the correct model. The label should read either:

a) Agent Sands Mk I
or:
b) Agent Sands Mk II

Technical Specifications

Name: Agent Sheldon Jeffery Sands
Type: American Central Intelligence Agency Operative
Manufacturer: Rodriguez & Depp, Ltd.
Date of Manufacture: September 12, 2003</i>
Height: 5’10”
Weight: 150lbs
Length: Classified.
Colour: Pale (with black hair)

Accessories

Your AGENT SANDS comes fully equipped with a variety of useful and aesthetically pleasing accessories, the exact content of which varies depending on the model you have purchased.

Each AGENTS SANDS, regardless of model, comes equipped with:
One (1) pair of tight black pants
Two (2) black leather boots
Two (2) black leather gloves
One (1) detachable third arm (prosthetic)
One (1) black blazer (linen, not wool)
One (1) leather shoulder holster (brown) containing two (2) pistols (silencers included)
One (1) cell phone (connected to the Verizon Wireless Network)

The AGENT SANDS Mk I model comes with an additional:
One (1) white button-down shirt
One (1) Clash of the Titans lunch box
Two (2) adorable brown eyes
If you have purchased the “Disguise” Garment Extension pack, your Mk I AGENT SANDS will also come with:
One (1) fake moustache
One (1) cowboy hat
One (1) country-western style shirt (blue)
One (1) pair of blue jeans
One (1) t-shirt reading “CIA: Cleavage Investigation Agency”
One (1) priest’s collar

The AGENT SANDS Mk II model comes with an additional:
One (1) pair of black sunglasses
One (1) black button down shirt
One (1) black leather vest
One (1) custom-made silver belt buckle

Installation

**Caution** The proper installation of an AGENT SANDS is a potentially hazardous procedure, and the following precautions should be taken to prevent any possible damage to yourself, your furniture, your spouse, your neighbours, or your household staff.

a) Remove the lid of the large wooden shipping crate. Inside the crate, there should be one (1) slightly smaller shipping crate and one (1) small cardboard shipping package.
b) Open the small cardboard package. It should contain one (1) pair of steel handcuffs and one (1) sterile syringe full of tranquillisers. **Warning** this tranquilliser dosage has been specially calibrated for your AGENT SANDS. Do not inject the contents of the syringe into yourself, your spouse, your children (if in possession of any), your neighbours, or your household staff.
c) Taking the syringe in hand, depress the plunger slightly in order to eliminate any possible air bubbles. You do not want to accidentally give your new AGENT SANDS an aneurysm.
d) Holding the syringe ready, open the top of the smaller shipping crate. Quickly inject the tranquillisers into your AGENT SANDS’s closest available body part. They should take effect immediately.
e) Taking care not to damage him, carry or drag your AGENT SANDS to the nearest bed (metal frame recommended) and handcuff him securely to the headboard.

Now that your AGENT SANDS is secured, you may wish to remove some of his garments to check that all of his moving parts are in proper working order. (Note: If you are in possession of a spouse, it is recommended that you wait until said spouse is otherwise occupied before beginning this procedure).

Your AGENT SANDS should awaken shortly. Threats, profanity, rude gestures, and incoherent snarls should be ignored or treated with calm indifference. Eventually, your AGENT SANDS will become tired and cease to threaten and complain (Note: this may take some time). At that point, simply tell him that his continued cell phone usage and access to alcohol, cigarettes, and (in the case of a Mk II model) transportation depends upon his co-operation with your wishes.

Operating Procedure

Your AGENT SANDS, while well suited for a variety of decorative uses, is fully capable of performing various useful tasks as well. No doubt you already have several tasks in mind, however, we would also like to recommend the following methods of AGENT SANDS utilisation as less likely to cause marital discord. (Note: Rodriguez & Depp, Ltd. are not liable for any legal fees or alimony payments incurred as a result of other uses of your AGENT SANDS).

Answering Service:
Your AGENT SANDS is highly adept at cell phone usage, and as such is well qualified to serve in the role of answering service and easily capable of making important phone calls for you. Use of your AGENT SANDS in this capacity may occasionally alienate some callers, but will also ensure that no telemarketer ever calls you again.

Accountant/Tax Consultant:
Your AGENT SANDS unit has extensive experience with government bureaucracy and is skilled at hiding evidence, and thus will prove a useful addition to your home office. Hiding unauthorised income and concealing paper trails is always easier when one owns an AGENT SANDS, as is keeping one’s accounts balanced. Bear in mind, however, that the Mk II AGENT SANDS responds only to auditory or sensory input, and must have your accounts presented to him orally rather than on paper. Also, leaving either model of AGENT SANDS alone with your accounts is not recommended, as he may attempt to embezzle money to pay his Verizon bills.

Personal Bodyguard:
Your AGENT SANDS is a highly trained government intelligence operative, and as such has undergone a thorough regimen of self-defence training. Use AGENT SANDS to discourage burglars, unwanted visitors, and aggressive ex-boyfriends and/or girlfriends. Unfriendly co-workers who stand in the way of career advancement can also be dealt with by judicious application of an AGENT SANDS set to “blackmail & coercion” mode.

Cleaning

Depending on the uses to which you put your AGENTS SANDS, he may need to be cleaned on a daily basis. The following procedure is recommended for the cleaning of an AGENT SANDS.

a) Remove any and all clothing from your AGENT SANDS
b) Turn on shower
c) Place entire AGENT SANDS unit inside shower stall, along with soap or shower gel (Note: You may wish to accompany your AGENT SANDS into the shower to make certain that all of his components are adequately washed). Vigourous and repeated scrubbing may be needed to remove exceptionally stubborn stains (ex: blood).
d) After washing your AGENT SANDS, apply the shampoo band of your choice to his hair, taking care not to get any in his eyes or (depending on model) eye sockets. Be warned that your AGENT SANDS may attempt to bite you if this occurs.
e) Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
f) Remove your AGENT SANDS from the shower stall and rub him vigorously with a towel. Blow dry hair.
g) If you possess a Mk II model, it may be necessary to shave your AGENT SANDS as well (the Mk I AGENT SANDS can usually shave himself, however, you may wish to perform the procedure for this model as well to make certain that it is done correctly). Apply shaving cream to the required areas of your AGENT SANDS face and carefully use a razor to remove all stubble. The shaving of other, non-facial areas is optional, and is to be undertaken at your own risk.

Recharging

An AGENT SANDS will eat or drink most varieties of food or drink if hungry enough, but for best results, we recommend slow-roasted pork and tequila with lime. Feeding your AGENT SANDS by hand is not necessary, however, you may certainly do so if you wish.

</b>Compatibility With Other Units</b>

Your AGENT SANDS, while an example of our very best quality programming and production, is very rarely compatible with other units, and in most cases when exposed to one, he will fall back on his default interaction modes Snide Condescension and Thinly Veiled Hostility.

However, if you do wish to safely use your AGENT SANDS in conjunction with other units, it is recommended that you try exposing him to the RAMIREZ unit and setting his interaction mode to Interagency Co-operation. The AGENT SANDS Mk II model can also be utilised in conjunction with a CHICLET unit, which has the benefit of being smaller, more portable, and less expensive than a RAMIREZ unit.

**Warning** Do not under any circumstances expose your AGENT SANDS Mk I to a BARILLO unit. This may result in serious damage to your AGENT SANDS.

***Warning*** While the AGENT SANDS Mk I demonstrates a high level of compatibility with the AJEDREZ unit, the AGENT SANDS Mk II does not, and exposure of this model to an AJEDREZ may result in destruction of property and severe damage to the AJEDREZ unit. Exposure of a Mk I model to an AJEDREZ, while less dangerous and initially successful, may create hardware complications and cause damage to your AGENT SANDS.

Your AGENT SANDS (either model) can also demonstrate a high level of compatibility with the EL MARIACHI unit. These two models have three distinct interaction modes:
a) The default Snide Condescension and Thinly Veiled Hostility
b) Wary Co-operation
c) Slash
Interaction Mode: Slash has proven highly effective in regards to the Mk II model.
**Warning** It is imperative that your AGENT SANDS and EL MARIACHI units are set to the same interaction mode. If your AGENT SANDS is set to Slash and your EL MARAICHI to Thinly Veiled Hostility, damage to both units may result.

Setting your AGENT SANDS and EL MARIACHI to Interaction Mode: Slash will automatically activate the following subroutines:
a) Gunkink
b) Knifekink
c) Bootkink
d) Bondagekink
e) Eyesocketkink (AGENT SANDS Mk II only)
f) Purring

If your AGENT SANDS is exposed to both an EL MARIACHI and a CAROLINA unit simultaneously, then, regardless of what interaction mode the they are set to, all three units will automatically activate their AUPA (Alternate Universe Polyamory) programming routines. Due to the highly possessive nature of all three units, the completetion of some of your more detailed and personal plans for the AGENT SANDS unit may be rendered nearly impossible. In these circumstances, it is reccomended that you abandon any original plans and simply sit back and admire the view (or, alternatively, lock the bedroom door and ignore the sounds coming from behind it). You may also wish to purchase a FRED ABBERLINE unit to provide additional visual variety.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: My AGENT SANDS Mk I spends a great deal of time talking on his cell phone. To whom is he speaking, and will I have to pay his phone bills?

A: Extensive cell phone usage is a built in element of your AGENT SANDS’s basic programming, hardwired into him alongside his “Balance Keeping” programming subroutines. This programming is integral to both models and to the Mk I in particular, and cannot be deactivated. However, rest assured that, as long as your AGENT SANDS is utilising his own cell phone, connected to the Verizon Wireless Network, you will not have to pay his bills. Allowing your AGENT SANDS access to your own cell phone is not recommended. The numbers your AGENT SANDS is calling are classified, however, by making use of the proper methods of persuasion, you may be able to obtain the information from you AGENT SANDS unit.


Q: My AGENT SANDS Mk II arrived equipped with two projectile weapons. In light of his inability to collect and process visual information, is it safe to allow him to retain possession of these items?

A: Your AGENT SANDS is highly attuned to auditory information input, and is capable of utilising his weapons very effectively. Attempting to remove your AGENT SANDS’s weapons from his possession is not recommended, and Rodriguez & Depp, Ltd. are not responsible for any damage inflicted on your person as a result of said attempts.


Trouble Shooting

Problem: Your AGENT SANDS Mk I seems strangely confused by modern appliances and shows signs of having a serious drug habit. He also persists in speaking with a British accent.

Solution: You have accidentally been issued with a FRED ABBERLINE unit. Unfortunately, our sales department does not allow for returns or refunds, so you have the choice of either keeping your FRED ABBERLINE, or selling him and/or giving him away yourself. On the plus side, you have accidentally been issued with a FRED ABBERLINE unit. It is recommended that you make the best of the opportunities this provides. Enjoy his more easy-going and less borderline-sociopathic personality and begin introducing him to modern amenities such as showers and whirlpool bathtubs. Introducing him to modern addictive substances such as heroin is not recommended.


Problem: Your AGENT SANDS Mk II arrived in a highly bloodstained condition, sporting several gunshot wounds and with blood still leaking from his eye sockets.

Solution: Unfortunately, due to the high demand for this model, our shipping department is not always able to allow time for healing before shipping you your AGENT SANDS Mk II. Due to the nature of his injuries, taking your AGENT SANDS to a hospital emergency ward is not recommended. The best course of action is to purchase an EL MARIACHI and set both units to slash. The EL MARAICHI will then take care of your AGENT SANDS injuries for you.


Problem: Your AGENT SANDS Mk I, while meeting physical specifications in all respects and displaying the correct questionable fashion sense, does not display the correct amount of borderline-sociopathic behaviour and uses his cell phone only to call someone he refers to as “my agent.” He also has repeatedly asked you to release him, saying that he is late for “shooting” something or other and wants to go back to California, and refers to your EL MARIACHI unit as “Antonio,” rather than “El” or “The.”

Solution: Check both your AGENT SANDS’s right and left arms for tattoos. If you find multiple tattoos, including a heart on his left arm and an Indian head and a swallow with the word “Jack” written underneath it on his right, then congratulations. You are lucky enough to have been issued with JOHNNY DEPP. It is recommended that you make the most of this incredible opportunity before the California State Police’s missing persons department and/or a woman named Vanessa appear on your doorstep demanding his return. In the highly unlikely event that you do not wish to keep JOHNNY DEPP, please send him Federal Express to:

Elspethdixon
Main 308, Front Quad
Hollins University
Roanoke, VA 24020


In other news, I’ve got tickets to see Metallica play at the Roanoke Civic Center Saturday night. My roommate (whose musical tastes are less diverse than mine, which is why we have a tacit agreement that she always gets to chose the music in the room) foolishly did not want to come, so I shall go alone and enjoy it greatly.
 
Share  |  |

Comments

 
[User Picture Icon]
From:guede_mazaka
Date:April 20th, 2004 03:32 pm (UTC)
(Link)
*Super Mighty Glomp!*

I love you way, way too much. And the mention of my AU fic!

Obviously, I find this too hilarious to breathe. Excuse me.

*resusitates self*

By the way, I wrote up two extra bits of the 'City-verse. Might have to do more now.
[User Picture Icon]
From:smutcutter
Date:April 20th, 2004 06:35 pm (UTC)
(Link)
::dies laughing::

What a job you did on this! Thia was amazing! Reads like stereo instructions - and its perfect! Brava!
[User Picture Icon]
From:hippediva
Date:April 21st, 2004 01:21 am (UTC)
(Link)
This is absolutely priceless! I laughed so hard I was in pain! Brilliant job....now, I have a question for you. I have the Agent Sands MKII model and he seems to be getting maudlin. Should I up his tequila intake or just set my El Mariachi model to slash? He is also not happy with his wardrobe and is demanding 4" heels. Is this a normal malfunction? *G* Also, why am I getting flashes of "Batteries Not Included"?

Brava!
[User Picture Icon]
From:elspethdixon
Date:April 21st, 2004 09:07 am (UTC)
(Link)
The Crossdressing subroutine is rarely activated, as it is not a normal part of your AGENT SANDS's programming (perhaps he has acidentally been exposed to a "Before Night Falls" upgrade), it will not hinder the performance of your unit and should be left intact. If your AGENT SANDS Mk II wants 4" heels, I suggest you obtain a pair for him--otherwise, he will simply steal and wear yours.

If you AGENT SANDS Mk II seems unhappy, do not try upping his tequila intake, as this may lead to alcoholism on his part--instead, do try setting your EL MARIACHI to slash. Regular sex tends to make both AGENT SANDS models much happier.
[User Picture Icon]
From:hippediva
Date:April 21st, 2004 09:13 am (UTC)
(Link)
**Snort choke chortle**

Well, that was the morning coffee now dripping down the monitor!

I think it was the Before Night Falls upgrade....and yeah, he did steal my shoes and my prettiest lingerie. As for the alcoholism...I think that's a lost cause with him but it never seems to affect his aim. I think I must have the Snide Submissive program as well. *G*
[User Picture Icon]
From:sidhe_elf
Date:April 21st, 2004 04:28 am (UTC)
(Link)
SQUEE!!!! Where do I get one?? *lol* I swear, I'm going to be sucked into OUaTiM fics soon... That was just great! :o)
[User Picture Icon]
From:elspethdixon
Date:April 21st, 2004 10:12 am (UTC)

Icon Love!!!!!

(Link)
"Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die!"

*giggles* One of my Ring Night demands was to say the Inigo speech every time a Senior said the word "Humperdink" to me. I had people calling me on the phone all day long just to say "Humperdink," hear me quote Inigo, and hang up.
From:bbathory
Date:April 21st, 2004 11:08 am (UTC)
(Link)
In other news, I’ve got tickets to see Metallica play at the Roanoke Civic Center Saturday night.

::jealousjealousjealous:: Foolish roomate indeed. Anyway, enjoy the concert!
[User Picture Icon]
From:elspethdixon
Date:April 21st, 2004 12:52 pm (UTC)
(Link)
I stole the idea from was inspired by Theresa Green's brilliant "Legolas: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manuel", from which I borrowed the basic format (a Technical Specifications section, an Operating Procedure section, a Compatibility With Other Models section, ect.) Some of the language/style came from my Gateway Computer manuel.
[User Picture Icon]
From:megpie71
Date:April 21st, 2004 02:02 pm (UTC)
(Link)
*chortles*

I've read the various LOTR operator's manuals, and loved those. Now I'm enjoying this one as well. A real hoot, and I do love it.

Favourite bit:

Problem: Your AGENT SANDS Mk I seems strangely confused by modern appliances and shows signs of having a serious drug habit. He also persists in speaking with a British accent.

Solution: You have accidentally been issued with a FRED ABBERLINE unit. Unfortunately, our sales department does not allow for returns or refunds, so you have the choice of either keeping your FRED ABBERLINE, or selling him and/or giving him away yourself. On the plus side, you have accidentally been issued with a FRED ABBERLINE unit. It is recommended that you make the best of the opportunities this provides. Enjoy his more easy-going and less borderline-sociopathic personality and begin introducing him to modern amenities such as showers and whirlpool bathtubs. Introducing him to modern addictive substances such as heroin is not recommended.


One way of telling the two apart is that the FRED ABBERLINE unit does have slightly more facial hair than the AGENT SANDS MkI. Of course, if your AGENT SANDS MkI appears to be wearing a lot of dreadlocks, and keeps asking after rum, you've been issued with a CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW unit - in which case, if you don't want him, I'll take him. *grin*
[User Picture Icon]
From:penm
Date:April 21st, 2004 03:03 pm (UTC)
(Link)
:D :D :D

ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT. Had me rolling on the floor in stitches, wheezing for breath.

D'you mind if I nick the idea for myself, and produce an HP or Sherlock Holmes guide? *pleads with bigwateryeyesofDOOM*

[User Picture Icon]
From:elspethdixon
Date:April 21st, 2004 03:17 pm (UTC)
(Link)
D'you mind if I nick the idea for myself, and produce an HP or Sherlock Holmes guide? *pleads with bigwateryeyesofDOOM*

Heck no. I nicked the concept from the LoTR fandom to begin with. Plus, an Owner's Guide and Manuel to Sherlock Holmes would be really funny.
[User Picture Icon]
From:indigocat
Date:April 21st, 2004 03:55 pm (UTC)
(Link)
If your Agent Sands model starts asking to see your copy of the Book of Nine Gates, you have accidently been sent the Dean Corso model.

Loved this guide.
[User Picture Icon]
From:figliaperduta
Date:April 21st, 2004 07:19 pm (UTC)

Hey, no fair roomie-bashing...

(Link)
...Actually, I don't know if I would want to go to the concert or not. I don't believe I've ever actually heard Metallica.

Alas, it is all a moot point, because I am broke anyways.

And regarding musical tastes, the only thing I really don't like is rap/hip-hop. I can stand country (hell, I got stuck in a car with it on the way to Nekocon--all the way to Nekocon, which is about four to five hours).

So no roomie-bashing.

~DC
~The Not-So-Foolish Room-mate
[User Picture Icon]
From:elspethdixon
Date:April 21st, 2004 07:52 pm (UTC)

*Holds up hands placatingly*

(Link)
It was meant jokingly, for rhetorical effect.

Metallica=metal, with lots of loud electric guitar.
[User Picture Icon]
From:figliaperduta
Date:April 21st, 2004 08:12 pm (UTC)

Re: *Holds up hands placatingly*

(Link)
OOOH!

*wishes she had money, but still doesn't...probably has even less money, since her mother is trying to take hers*

~DC
[User Picture Icon]
From:elspethdixon
Date:April 21st, 2004 08:56 pm (UTC)

Re: *Holds up hands placatingly*

(Link)
Yeah, that's why going to Daytona this February turned out to be a good move on my part--my Cycle News, Vintage Views, and AHRMA checks provided the money with which to buy a concert ticket and an ungodly expensive college ring. Mainly 'cause Cycle News paid me three hundred bucks (wow! three-quarters of the cost of a Hollins ring!) which is an unbelievable bit of luck.
[User Picture Icon]
From:blodwen
Date:April 22nd, 2004 02:35 am (UTC)
(Link)
*Laughs* Way too funny! And too enticing. Hmmm ... *Checks balance on credit card*

The Culture Channel

Bureau of Mutants, Superhumans, & Costumed Vigilantes