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Bureau of Mutants, Superhumans, & Costumed Vigilantes


February 19th, 2007

New Avengers ficlet @ 06:25 pm

Current Mood: amused amused
Tags: ,

Because this is so much more productive than actually working on my research project...

MJ was standing with her arms folded over her breasts, staring at us collected representatives of the costume brigade with murder in her eyes. And behind that, hurt.

I wanted to die. I really, seriously, no-kidding wanted to die.

I’ve announced my desire for immediate death before, generally after just getting my clock cleaned by someone really humiliating, like the Rhino, but this time I meant it.

“I can’t apologize enough,” Jessica was saying. I carefully didn’t look at her, since she was still wearing the skin-tight costume that now produced dozens of bad-bad-wrong mental images. Like distinct sensory memories of what touching it had felt like.

“No,” MJ said coolly. “You can’t. Have you seen channel five yet?”

Oh God, I hadn’t even though about tv cameras. The newspaper was going to be bad enough. I actually felt physically ill at the idea of going by a newsstand tomorrow. Jameson was going to have a field day with this. “Spider-Man makes out with Spider-Woman during downtown rush hour! Will their unholy union produce Spider-Spawn?” It was practically Christmas and his birthday all rolled into one.

“I’m really sorry, MJ,” I stammered, trying to rush the words out before she interrupted me. “I didn’t mean to, I swear! It’s… the Mandrill has this pheromone thing he does, like sex pollen, only more disgusting, and he did something, and suddenly all the business commuters coming up from the subway were making like Debbie does Dallas, and--.”

“And we were unlucky enough to breathe it in as well,” Tony finished, taking pity on my patheticness. MJ turned her glare on him, but he had super-businessman powers and was immune to it. “I sent an air sample to Hank to get a complete analysis of whatever it is he uses, but I can already tell you that there was enough of it in the air to seduce a busload of nuns, and that, combined with Spiderwoman’s pheromones…” He shrugged, which looked kind of weird, since he still hadn’t taken off his armor.

Well, except for the helmet. The helmet had been gone since shortly after we all got zapped by the lust fumes, but following that train of thought any further would only lead to even more hideous mental trauma.

“It really wasn’t your husband’s fault,” Tony finished. “And, Peter, I’d like to offer my apologies as well. If I hadn’t been distracted, I would have done something to stop the two of you.”

Yeah, 'distracted' was one way to put it.

MJ was still frowning, but that awful, hurt look was gone from her eyes, replaced with plain old irritation. Mad-at-Peter-for-accidentally-cheating-on-her-with-Jessica-Drew was lightyears ahead of hurt-that-Peter-deliberately-cheated-on-her-with-Jessica-Drew. I still wanted to sink through the floor, but possibly death could wait — at least until the Bugle came out tomorrow.

“Distracted.” Luke repeated. “The press is gonna love you being distracted, too. I can see the headline now: ‘Tony Stark, Gay Billionaire.’”

“Thank you so much.” Tony frowned, and looked down at the floor, pressing one gauntleted hand to his forehead. “And here I thought the ‘Tony Stark is Iron Man’ headlines would be the worst of my problems,” he muttered.

“No, trust me, man. They’ll go for the gay angle.” Luke was being disgustingly cheerful, with all the smugness of a man who had not breathed in monkey lust fumes. Which was probably the one blessing in this scenario, come to think of it, because the closest Avenger to him had been Wolverine, and I so did not need that mental image.

“No,” I corrected him, with completely justified bitterness, “Jameson will go for the ‘Spiderman is an evil ho’ angle. You can bet money on it.”

MJ stared at them, then stared at me. I knew what she must have been seeing—the lower lip swollen from Jessica’s bite mark, the smear of dark red lipstick across my chin—and wished, uselessly, that there had been time before this confrontation for me to clean up.

“So, wait a minute, let me get this straight. Are you people trying to tell me that my husband was date-raped?”

“Um,” I objected, “it makes me sound so much wussier when you put it like that.”

“Hey,” Jessica said, “you’re actually in the same room with me, which means you’re handling this more maturely than Captain America.”

Tony, damn him, actually started to smile. “I’m sure Steve will eventually regain the ability to come within twenty feet of me. Unless someone mentions the date-rape analogy to him.”
 
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From:htbthomas
Date:February 19th, 2007 07:12 pm (UTC)
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More New Avengers fics to make me smile! I swear I'm going to have to get an icon for these...

Poor MJ, and can I say that it's a DAMN good thing that Luke wasn't involved in that...? Cause even invincible skin wouldn't protect him from HIS wife's tongue-lashing! The new baby be damned.
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From:likeadeuce
Date:February 19th, 2007 07:35 pm (UTC)
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Hahahahaha, LOVE!

I was reading the whole thing wondering who Tony made out with but really. . .why wonder?
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From:elspethdixon
Date:February 19th, 2007 08:15 pm (UTC)
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Peter is repressing the memories, because it was kind of like seeing your parents make out (or Aunt May and Jarvis).

Eventually, someone will remember that Tony's helmet has air filters in it, which will blow his plausible deniability over the whole thing out of the water.
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From:kitty11chan
Date:February 21st, 2009 08:17 am (UTC)
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He can simply reply that he hadn't had them on. You used that in you're Classicverse story. That way, he'll be completely cover. Awesome read, by the way. Might be interesting to do a followup with the headlines the next day & other heroes' reactions.
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From:caiusmajor
Date:February 19th, 2007 11:02 pm (UTC)
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This is awesome and very funny. New Avengers sex pollen *wins*.

(And I do kind of like your comment about Tony's air filters. The shit is going to hit the fan if and when *Cap* realizes this...)
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From:elspethdixon
Date:February 20th, 2007 05:47 am (UTC)
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Ahahaha! I love your Red Zone icon (I love comics. Where else--besides Smallville--do slash pairings get actual "onscreen" lips-to-lips contact?).

There is a great dearth of Marvel-verse sex pollen fic, even though it seems to be practically its own genre in DC fandom.

The shit is going to hit the fan if and when *Cap* realizes this...

Steve will originally angst because he thinks he took advantage of Tony. Then he'll hear about the air filters and angrily lecture Tony for taking advantagr of him.
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From:tavella
Date:February 23rd, 2007 05:15 am (UTC)
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Steve adapts pretty well to most things for a guy 50 years out of his own time, but not always!
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From:lostcatholic
Date:February 20th, 2007 03:07 pm (UTC)
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Off topic! Some of the younger girls (and my freind Steve) have encouraged me to start up the idea about the webcomic. Remember that? Anyway I'm back to doing concept art in class again. I might put it up after awhile. :)
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From:elspethdixon
Date:February 20th, 2007 04:30 pm (UTC)
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The Romantics live again! Have you decided on a character design for Byron yet?
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From:lostcatholic
Date:February 21st, 2007 03:44 am (UTC)
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Pretty much. His hair will still drive me crazy but I have a plan! Hopefully I can bounce ideas off some of the other girls and everything will really start to percolate.
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From:st_aurafina
Date:February 25th, 2007 04:58 am (UTC)
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Hee! Poor Peter - he's so bashful! Monkey lust fumes! So funny!

(And hi, also - I followed you home from your ship_manifesto post, which was made of awesome.)

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